From freeze to flow

I’ve been to a Toastmaster meeting before but today is the first time I will actually speak.

I’m no stranger to standing in front of an audience. I’ve worked in Hollywood. I’ve been on sets where I had to deliver lines in front of a full crew or speak straight to camera. But today marks the beginning of something different.

This time, there’s no script. Just me.

In this season of my life, I’m rebuilding my relationship with visibility. I’ve often lived in that push-pull between wanting to be seen and wanting to disappear. I was always fine being visible only if I had a role, a performance, a persona or character to hide behind. But I’m in a different era now. One where I’m choosing to lead with my voice, truth, presence, and power, not just performance.

And truthfully? That’s nerve-racking.

When it came time to prepare for my first role as Timekeeper , my body went into shutdown mode. Suddenly I had no energy. I felt tired. Every excuse came up. Classic avoidance. I’m familiar with the pattern: my nervous system doesn’t feel safe, so it freezes. Then I get frustrated with myself for waiting until the last minute, stressed and scrambling.

It took me a while to learn that it isn’t laziness. It’s protection.

So part of this journey , for me is about breaking that loop. If I can always have a speech in progress for Toastmasters, maybe I can build a new pattern. One that makes room for my voice without a crisis pushing it out of me.

Tonight, as I step into my first speaking role, I remind myself: I don’t need chaos to create. I don’t need adrenaline to show up.

I can do hard things, calmly.

I just need systems that support my creativity. Structure that holds my fire. Space that lets me show up grounded, clear, and confident.

That’s what I’m building now. One meeting at a time.